Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) cheerful mood or (2) increase in interest or pleasure.
Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to the affects of winning the lottery, delusions or hallucinations.
(1) Cheerful mood most of the day, nearly every day, as either indicated by subjective reports (e.g. feels happy or satisfied) or observations made by others (e.g. appears enthusiastic or felicitous). Note: In children and adolescents, can be excitable mood.
(2) Markedly increased pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly everyday (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).
(3) Appropriate weight loss or gain (e.g. change of 1-2% in body weight in one month), or appropriate increase or decrease in appetite, depending on the situation (e.g. inexpensive all you can eat buffet, insect eating contest).
(4) 6-8 hours of sleep nearly everyday.
(5) Increased physical activity or minor aching due to physical activity nearly everyday.
(6) Increased energy or enthusiasm nearly everyday.
(7) Feeling of worth or appropriate pride nearly everyday (not merely satisfaction at not being as bad off as someone else).
(8) Increased ability to concentrate or think, or decisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others).
(9) Recurrent thoughts of life and future plans (not just of what to eat for the next meal), recurrent thoughts of future accomplishments or goals (with or without a specific plan).
B. The symptoms do not meet the criteria for mixed episode or life occurrences.
C. The symptoms cause significant benefit in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.
E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by publishers clearinghouse, birth of a child or recent marriage, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional improvement or preoccupation with positive activities (e.g. reading, volunteer work, journaling, exercising or laughter).
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What makes you think you can?
A seemingly simple question that stops many would be self-improvers in their tracks. You stop and think yeah, what makes me think I (can insert dream). My fiancée refers to these incident and people who ask these types of questions as “Dream Squashers.” That is what it can be if you let it. But guess what you don’t have to let it. I am going the answer the question for you once and for all so when the “dream squashers” come a callin’ you can stand up tall and say “I think I can because…!”
An ant, a bumblebee, a slug, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Michael Jordan, Anthony Robbins, Thomas Jefferson, Christopher Reeves, Stephen Hawking, YOU and ME!
What do all these animals and people have in common? They have all accomplished amazing feats. They have all done things that they should not have been able to do. The thought that the people on this short list, and there are many others that could be added (my parents, Coach B-my junior high football coach etc.), is that they were all just like me and you. They weren’t born successful or leaders. They became them after overcoming the odds and the question “what makes you think you can?” They went beyond reason and science. They have been able to do things that rules, laws and people say are impossible. Some of them I am sure overcame it by never allowing the question to creep up or simply because they didn’t know any better. Melvin Van Peebles tells a great story of becoming a writer, director and producer. He tells the story of doing all these things because he didn’t know any better. He didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to be able to do these things on his own. The same is true for many successful people they simply didn’t care they were not “supposed” to be able to run as a third party candidate and become the governor of Minnesota. Who decides what we are “supposed” to be able to accomplish? Who has the most credibility about what you can and cannot do? You do!
I have come up with a concept I call rebooting your mind. Have you ever had your computer not be able to start up and you have to go into safe mode. In this mode it gives you an option of starting the computer with settings from a previous date. You can pick a date before you had this problem. Maybe you see where I am going with this already. Sometimes you can just think back to a time when you were on track and feeling better than you are now and “reboot.” Start doing, thinking and acting like you did at that happy, successful time in your life.
If you ever need to convince yourself, do your research and just look around you. Nature and everyday life give us examples of why you should think you can do anything!
PS You have to do the research to figure out why the animals and people on the list are examples of what you can do.
An ant, a bumblebee, a slug, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Michael Jordan, Anthony Robbins, Thomas Jefferson, Christopher Reeves, Stephen Hawking, YOU and ME!
What do all these animals and people have in common? They have all accomplished amazing feats. They have all done things that they should not have been able to do. The thought that the people on this short list, and there are many others that could be added (my parents, Coach B-my junior high football coach etc.), is that they were all just like me and you. They weren’t born successful or leaders. They became them after overcoming the odds and the question “what makes you think you can?” They went beyond reason and science. They have been able to do things that rules, laws and people say are impossible. Some of them I am sure overcame it by never allowing the question to creep up or simply because they didn’t know any better. Melvin Van Peebles tells a great story of becoming a writer, director and producer. He tells the story of doing all these things because he didn’t know any better. He didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to be able to do these things on his own. The same is true for many successful people they simply didn’t care they were not “supposed” to be able to run as a third party candidate and become the governor of Minnesota. Who decides what we are “supposed” to be able to accomplish? Who has the most credibility about what you can and cannot do? You do!
I have come up with a concept I call rebooting your mind. Have you ever had your computer not be able to start up and you have to go into safe mode. In this mode it gives you an option of starting the computer with settings from a previous date. You can pick a date before you had this problem. Maybe you see where I am going with this already. Sometimes you can just think back to a time when you were on track and feeling better than you are now and “reboot.” Start doing, thinking and acting like you did at that happy, successful time in your life.
If you ever need to convince yourself, do your research and just look around you. Nature and everyday life give us examples of why you should think you can do anything!
PS You have to do the research to figure out why the animals and people on the list are examples of what you can do.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Relationship Equation
There have been studies done on relationships as far as what works and what doesn’t. I will give you information on both. First let’s talk about what has been proven to be present in relationships that do not last. This is according to John Gottman PH.D. in his book The Seven principles for Making a Marriage Work. In it he refers to the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These four traits he found were present in relationships that did not last.
The first of these four traits being Contempt. Contempt is not only disgust for the person but a feeling of superiority. It is a sense that the other person is beneath you in some way.
The second trait is being Criticism. Criticism is different than complaining. Criticisms are personal attacks. Such as "Why are you so selfish?" They attack the person rather than complain about the behavior.
The third trait is Defensiveness. This is the constant defending of your beliefs, thoughts and actions.
The last one is Stonewalling. This is more common in the guys and it is simply shutting down. Things like the silent treatment or just refusing to have the conversation.
You can probably see how these traits would be detrimental to the health of a relationship. Even if you love someone, if you cannot show it in a positive way it can get lost in these negative traits. If allowed to build up it gets to the point where the other person’s opinion does not matter and therefore they do not matter. This makes mutual love and respect difficult to say the least.
Gottman also found another interesting fact. It was something he referred to as “Harsh Start-ups.” Harsh start-ups are when one person accuses or verbally attacks the other. It can be something like “What’s wrong with you?” Or “Did you get anything done today?” These types of conversation will have a 96% chance of ended poorly according to Gottman. Gottman suggests you start conversations with “Soft Start Ups.” Meaning let the person know what you liked and then make your complaint in a way that is specific and non-accusatory. For example: “Thank you for helping with the dishes, but when you wash the pans first it leaves streaks on the glasses from the grease”
Now let’s look at some more tools. In relationships there are lots of tools you can use to improve communication and increase the relative happiness within the relationship. I will give you a few. To make it easy to remember these tools, you can refer to the acronym TOOL TIME. I will explain them one by one.
T.O.O.L. T.I.M.E.
Time Outs: This is the act of taking a break when things get too heated. If you are in a discussion and each of you is getting more and more upset as time passes. It is time to take a break. Someone needs to step forward and say I am getting upset I need to take a break. Let the other person know you will be leaving or at least getting out of eye sight and ear shot of the other person. Designate a time that you will be gone and tell the other person you will be willing to discuss this topic again at a later time or date. This is done to each person time to cool down. If you are flooded with emotions it makes it difficult to have a rational conversation. So agree to take a break and come back and try again. You must develop the trust between one another so that you can know each will honor the agreement and do what they have stated.
The next tool is Observation. This means pay attention to how the other person and yourself are acting. Is your heart rate speeding up are you getting red in the face is the other person becoming more agitated? Also watch and see if the other person seems hurt or are they shutting down. The more physical signs you can become aware of in yourself and the other person the better you communication will be.
Listening is the next tool. Listen to what they are saying. Not only to the words but the tone of voice and the rate of speech are good indicators. A good rule to remember also is to pay attention to the Intent more than the content. Sometimes you have to decipher what the person is trying to say rather than going buy the specific words they are saying.
The next tool I refer to as Thankfulness or attitude. The attitude you have will come across in your conversation whether you want it to or not. You can control your mindset. I remember a good example was a friend of mines was having difficulty with his x-wife and would get upset every time he talked to her. He stated he felt like she was just trying to push his buttons. I asked him to do something for me. I told him to say “Thank You” every time he talked to her on the phone. I wanted him to thank her for his child. He may not like her or agree with her but he could not deny the fact that he was thankful for his child. This changed his attitude every time he spoke to her. He told me later that once he realized he could control his attitude and emotions “It was on.” He no longer “had” to get upset. He felt as though he could listen to her without the anger and frustration “taking over.” It was all done by simply changing his attitude.
Now we come to the next tool which is “I” statements. “I” statements are just that statements that start with I. You tell the person how you feel by say “I feel angry when you say I am undependable because I am trying really hard to do the things that I say I am going to do. In the future can you not say that I am undependable.” It is not accusatory it is a statement of how you feel. It is your feeling so it cannot be dismissed.
Meditation is a tool to help you calm your mind and become aware of more options and alternatives. Meditations does not have to be done sitting cross legged and humming it can be done by simply going someplace quiet and trying to empty your mind. It can be done in prayer or just reflecting while listening to soothing music. The idea is to listen to your inner voice so that you can gain access to the knowledge and awareness you have within you.
Last but not least is the Relationship Equation.
2P+R+I+N+R(n)= Results.
This may seem complicated but it really isn’t. It is something you are doing everyday already. You do this in every interaction you have. The formula breaks down like this: 2P= two people, R=relationship, I= interaction, N= a need, R(n)= reaction to a need and Results = happiness or unhappiness. You have a pattern of behavior in your relationships that you have established. It is how you get along and interact with the people that are close to you. So when there are two people who have a relationship and they have an interaction it is my theory that someone is expressing a need and then someone reacts to that need. This is the dance we do that is called relationships. Most of us do it now unaware of what patterns we have developed. For example if a couple is in a discussion and one person expresses they want to spend more time with the other, then we can break that down in the relationship equation like this.
N=More time
You must solve for R(n). What is your reaction to that need? It could be to say No, I don’t have any more time or dismiss the needs of the other person. This would cause a conflict and result in unhappiness. Your pattern could be to get defensive and try to explain how unreasonable the other person is being.
So part of the process is defining the need. There are many different needs people have. I will refer to four that Anthony Robbins has utilized in his work with people and personal development. These four needs are: Certainty, Significance, Variety and Connection/ Love. This is a start. I suggest that you begin this process by both you and your partner creating lists of ways your partner can satisfy these needs for you within the relationship. Come up with three for each. For example:
Certainty
1. Commit to spending specific time with me
2. Tell me you are committed to me and this relationship
3. Tell me why you want to be with me in this relationship
Significance
1. Tell me why I am special to you
2. Compliment me when we are alone and around others
3. Make special time for me
Variety
1. Surprise gifts
2. Leave me notes
3. Trips/ vacations
Connection/Love
1. Hold my hand
2. Date night
3. Tell me you Love me
Now you have a cheat sheet for one another. The great thing about this is that now you can be proactive. You don’t have to wait for the other person to express a need you can consistently do things at your pace to fulfill the needs of your partner. This is such an overlooked concept in relationships. So many times we expect the other person to just know what we want them to do or we don’t want to ask for them to do it. I believe you are able to develop a pattern that you want if you begin with a good foundation by letting each other know what your needs are. After practice hopefully it will become automatic and a habit you both will enjoy.
The Relationship Equation will also come in handy until you have established this pattern. Using the same example as before if one person is asking for more time, the other person can look to his list to decide what his reaction to that need will be. What happens if you know what the need is and you do not want to fulfill it. What if you feel the request is unreasonable? For example in the example above the person feels that planning dates is unreasonable. They feel as though they should not have to prove their love. Then that person must decide why is that request so unreasonable to them. Is there a compromise? Can they plan dates on a regular basis but on their own time schedule. It will be important for the person to be able to express this to their partner. They must let the partner know they intend to and desire to make the relationships work. They must be able to express what they are willing to do and be willing to negotiate a solution that is suitable to both parties. This is where your natural creativity comes into play. Brainstorm ways to satisfy the needs, collaborate with one another and come to a mutually agreed upon solution that can be done.
It is important to remember the love that is shared in the relationship. You embarked on your relationship with one another because you wanted to be a part of something bigger than yourself. You wanted to share your life with this special someone. Remember relationships are meant to be fun and exciting. Love is supposed to be warm and enjoyable. It can be all of these things if we are willing to share the responsibility of nurturing the relationship into something so strong it is a source of positive energy for both of you. It can be an example of what relationships are supposed to be like to friends, family and children. This is the type of relationship we all can have.
The first of these four traits being Contempt. Contempt is not only disgust for the person but a feeling of superiority. It is a sense that the other person is beneath you in some way.
The second trait is being Criticism. Criticism is different than complaining. Criticisms are personal attacks. Such as "Why are you so selfish?" They attack the person rather than complain about the behavior.
The third trait is Defensiveness. This is the constant defending of your beliefs, thoughts and actions.
The last one is Stonewalling. This is more common in the guys and it is simply shutting down. Things like the silent treatment or just refusing to have the conversation.
You can probably see how these traits would be detrimental to the health of a relationship. Even if you love someone, if you cannot show it in a positive way it can get lost in these negative traits. If allowed to build up it gets to the point where the other person’s opinion does not matter and therefore they do not matter. This makes mutual love and respect difficult to say the least.
Gottman also found another interesting fact. It was something he referred to as “Harsh Start-ups.” Harsh start-ups are when one person accuses or verbally attacks the other. It can be something like “What’s wrong with you?” Or “Did you get anything done today?” These types of conversation will have a 96% chance of ended poorly according to Gottman. Gottman suggests you start conversations with “Soft Start Ups.” Meaning let the person know what you liked and then make your complaint in a way that is specific and non-accusatory. For example: “Thank you for helping with the dishes, but when you wash the pans first it leaves streaks on the glasses from the grease”
Now let’s look at some more tools. In relationships there are lots of tools you can use to improve communication and increase the relative happiness within the relationship. I will give you a few. To make it easy to remember these tools, you can refer to the acronym TOOL TIME. I will explain them one by one.
T.O.O.L. T.I.M.E.
Time Outs: This is the act of taking a break when things get too heated. If you are in a discussion and each of you is getting more and more upset as time passes. It is time to take a break. Someone needs to step forward and say I am getting upset I need to take a break. Let the other person know you will be leaving or at least getting out of eye sight and ear shot of the other person. Designate a time that you will be gone and tell the other person you will be willing to discuss this topic again at a later time or date. This is done to each person time to cool down. If you are flooded with emotions it makes it difficult to have a rational conversation. So agree to take a break and come back and try again. You must develop the trust between one another so that you can know each will honor the agreement and do what they have stated.
The next tool is Observation. This means pay attention to how the other person and yourself are acting. Is your heart rate speeding up are you getting red in the face is the other person becoming more agitated? Also watch and see if the other person seems hurt or are they shutting down. The more physical signs you can become aware of in yourself and the other person the better you communication will be.
Listening is the next tool. Listen to what they are saying. Not only to the words but the tone of voice and the rate of speech are good indicators. A good rule to remember also is to pay attention to the Intent more than the content. Sometimes you have to decipher what the person is trying to say rather than going buy the specific words they are saying.
The next tool I refer to as Thankfulness or attitude. The attitude you have will come across in your conversation whether you want it to or not. You can control your mindset. I remember a good example was a friend of mines was having difficulty with his x-wife and would get upset every time he talked to her. He stated he felt like she was just trying to push his buttons. I asked him to do something for me. I told him to say “Thank You” every time he talked to her on the phone. I wanted him to thank her for his child. He may not like her or agree with her but he could not deny the fact that he was thankful for his child. This changed his attitude every time he spoke to her. He told me later that once he realized he could control his attitude and emotions “It was on.” He no longer “had” to get upset. He felt as though he could listen to her without the anger and frustration “taking over.” It was all done by simply changing his attitude.
Now we come to the next tool which is “I” statements. “I” statements are just that statements that start with I. You tell the person how you feel by say “I feel angry when you say I am undependable because I am trying really hard to do the things that I say I am going to do. In the future can you not say that I am undependable.” It is not accusatory it is a statement of how you feel. It is your feeling so it cannot be dismissed.
Meditation is a tool to help you calm your mind and become aware of more options and alternatives. Meditations does not have to be done sitting cross legged and humming it can be done by simply going someplace quiet and trying to empty your mind. It can be done in prayer or just reflecting while listening to soothing music. The idea is to listen to your inner voice so that you can gain access to the knowledge and awareness you have within you.
Last but not least is the Relationship Equation.
2P+R+I+N+R(n)= Results.
This may seem complicated but it really isn’t. It is something you are doing everyday already. You do this in every interaction you have. The formula breaks down like this: 2P= two people, R=relationship, I= interaction, N= a need, R(n)= reaction to a need and Results = happiness or unhappiness. You have a pattern of behavior in your relationships that you have established. It is how you get along and interact with the people that are close to you. So when there are two people who have a relationship and they have an interaction it is my theory that someone is expressing a need and then someone reacts to that need. This is the dance we do that is called relationships. Most of us do it now unaware of what patterns we have developed. For example if a couple is in a discussion and one person expresses they want to spend more time with the other, then we can break that down in the relationship equation like this.
N=More time
You must solve for R(n). What is your reaction to that need? It could be to say No, I don’t have any more time or dismiss the needs of the other person. This would cause a conflict and result in unhappiness. Your pattern could be to get defensive and try to explain how unreasonable the other person is being.
So part of the process is defining the need. There are many different needs people have. I will refer to four that Anthony Robbins has utilized in his work with people and personal development. These four needs are: Certainty, Significance, Variety and Connection/ Love. This is a start. I suggest that you begin this process by both you and your partner creating lists of ways your partner can satisfy these needs for you within the relationship. Come up with three for each. For example:
Certainty
1. Commit to spending specific time with me
2. Tell me you are committed to me and this relationship
3. Tell me why you want to be with me in this relationship
Significance
1. Tell me why I am special to you
2. Compliment me when we are alone and around others
3. Make special time for me
Variety
1. Surprise gifts
2. Leave me notes
3. Trips/ vacations
Connection/Love
1. Hold my hand
2. Date night
3. Tell me you Love me
Now you have a cheat sheet for one another. The great thing about this is that now you can be proactive. You don’t have to wait for the other person to express a need you can consistently do things at your pace to fulfill the needs of your partner. This is such an overlooked concept in relationships. So many times we expect the other person to just know what we want them to do or we don’t want to ask for them to do it. I believe you are able to develop a pattern that you want if you begin with a good foundation by letting each other know what your needs are. After practice hopefully it will become automatic and a habit you both will enjoy.
The Relationship Equation will also come in handy until you have established this pattern. Using the same example as before if one person is asking for more time, the other person can look to his list to decide what his reaction to that need will be. What happens if you know what the need is and you do not want to fulfill it. What if you feel the request is unreasonable? For example in the example above the person feels that planning dates is unreasonable. They feel as though they should not have to prove their love. Then that person must decide why is that request so unreasonable to them. Is there a compromise? Can they plan dates on a regular basis but on their own time schedule. It will be important for the person to be able to express this to their partner. They must let the partner know they intend to and desire to make the relationships work. They must be able to express what they are willing to do and be willing to negotiate a solution that is suitable to both parties. This is where your natural creativity comes into play. Brainstorm ways to satisfy the needs, collaborate with one another and come to a mutually agreed upon solution that can be done.
It is important to remember the love that is shared in the relationship. You embarked on your relationship with one another because you wanted to be a part of something bigger than yourself. You wanted to share your life with this special someone. Remember relationships are meant to be fun and exciting. Love is supposed to be warm and enjoyable. It can be all of these things if we are willing to share the responsibility of nurturing the relationship into something so strong it is a source of positive energy for both of you. It can be an example of what relationships are supposed to be like to friends, family and children. This is the type of relationship we all can have.
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